Friday, January 28, 2011

I thought the brownie had won.

I thought the brownie had won.
I had been good girl. I had relinquished, denied, worked hard, and invited in more veggies and fruit, less meat and dairy. I was exercising nearly every day and enjoying it! Time for a treat before the self saboteur takes over.
So there it is…. on the counter….. Screaming loudly from the wrapper. “Let me out! I am delicious, your favorite, chocolate brownie and I could be stale if you wait.”  No! No! I am fasting till noon. Keep busy.
The subtle rambling of the brownie can be heard over the exercise DVD, the washing machine, the vacuum and even in the shower with suds in my ears, it’s tempting and sending energetic vibrations of desire out to get me.
Okay, one bite and then back to work. Get it over with and curb the craving with one bite. I could throw it away? “WHAT ARE YOU NUTS? That’s completely good money down the drain, wasteful, there are starving kids in china, hell in your same zip code!” One bite, enjoyed slowly and consciously. Whew.
Good job. And the day continues.  I can hear the clock ticking away the minutes until noon when I can break my fast, well other than that one bit I just couldn’t resist, so much for self discipline. Okay, at noon brownie I am taking you down. Destroying your ass and then we will see who has the last laugh.
Noon. Finally. Devour. Conquer. Stick to your teeth, deep dark chocolate brownie of sinfully deliciousness. Mmmm. Slowly experiencing brownie bliss. Moaning and cackling inside like a mad woman who has just stolen the treasure and gotten away with it.
UNTIL… the self loathing kicks in at 12:15. The shame, the guilt. Why did I have to draw that card for guidance just before the battle? Damn it.  HEALING ADDICTIONS, ask for help. I said hell with it. I will ask later. I am eating that dastardly brownie I have been waiting all day! And quite frankly I am not ready to give up this brownie addiction.  And the Jenny Craig weight watcher on my shoulder wearing high heels poking into my consciousness is nagging away.
As the early afternoon passes by I am knee deep in self condemnation and the joy I momentarily had with the brownie gods had been trampled to death and is festering rapidly on my thighs and belly.
So I meditate in shame. Battling the she said -she said in my mind. I ask for help. I ask for help to heal addictions. And clarity came.
The greater addiction is not sugar, chocolate, brownies, or desserts of any nationality. The greater addiction that is harming me is the self hatred. The self abuse. The self condemnation that I have been mainlining for decades. A snort of self loathing here. Pop a handful of shoulda-coulda’s, drinking up the bottles and battles of unworthiness and you-did-it-to-yourself drunkenness. And by all means have another helping of guilt and shame to sabotage the pleasures of life.
The greater addiction is not what you eat but what is eating you and I find it is the demon of the self nagging and abusing Me. I finally heard you. I finally notice that you are the one who makes me feel bad. You there, lurking in the shadows of the mind, poisoning the emotions, and denying the beauty of the divine within.
The brownie didn’t win. The addiction to negative self talk did, for the moment.
 But now you are ousted. I found you out and now I will intend to be more aware of you.  I have entered the first step of however many steps it takes to temper you. I embrace you in love and forgiveness. I send light and compassion to you. I ask for guidance and help in healing this addiction of self abuse.
I may even treat you to a brownie once in a while and enjoy it fully.

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