I thought the brownie had won.

I thought the brownie had won.

I had been good girl. I had relinquished, denied, worked hard, and invited in more veggies and fruit, less meat and dairy. I was exercising nearly every day and enjoying it! Time for a treat before the self saboteur takes over.

So there it is…. on the counter….. Screaming loudly from the wrapper. “Let me out! I am delicious, your favorite, chocolate brownie and I could be stale if you wait.”  No! No! I am fasting till noon. Keep busy.

The subtle rambling of the brownie can be heard over the exercise DVD, the washing machine, the vacuum and even in the shower with suds in my ears, it’s tempting and sending energetic vibrations of desire out to get me.

Okay, one bite and then back to work. Get it over with and curb the craving with one bite. I could throw it away? “WHAT ARE YOU NUTS? That’s completely good money down the drain, wasteful, there are starving kids in china, hell in your same zip code!” One bite, enjoyed slowly and consciously. Whew.

Good job. And the day continues.  I can hear the clock ticking away the minutes until noon when I can break my fast, well other than that one bit I just couldn’t resist, so much for self discipline. Okay, at noon brownie I am taking you down. Destroying your ass and then we will see who has the last laugh.

Noon. Finally. Devour. Conquer. Stick to your teeth, deep dark chocolate brownie of sinfully deliciousness. Mmmm. Slowly experiencing brownie bliss. Moaning and cackling inside like a mad woman who has just stolen the treasure and gotten away with it.

UNTIL… the self loathing kicks in at 12:15. The shame, the guilt. Why did I have to draw that card for guidance just before the battle? Damn it.  HEALING ADDICTIONS, ask for help. I said hell with it. I will ask later. I am eating that dastardly brownie I have been waiting all day! And quite frankly I am not ready to give up this brownie addiction.  And the Jenny Craig weight watcher on my shoulder wearing high heels poking into my consciousness is nagging away.

As the early afternoon passes by I am knee deep in self condemnation and the joy I momentarily had with the brownie gods had been trampled to death and is festering rapidly on my thighs and belly.

So I meditate in shame. Battling the she said -she said in my mind. I ask for help. I ask for help to heal addictions. And clarity came.

The greater addiction is not sugar, chocolate, brownies, or desserts of any nationality. The greater addiction that is harming me is the self hatred. The self abuse. The self condemnation that I have been mainlining for decades. A snort of self loathing here. Pop a handful of shoulda-coulda’s, drinking up the bottles and battles of unworthiness and you-did-it-to-yourself drunkenness. And by all means have another helping of guilt and shame to sabotage the pleasures of life.

The greater addiction is not what you eat but what is eating you and I find it is the demon of the self nagging and abusing Me. I finally heard you. I finally notice that you are the one who makes me feel bad. You there, lurking in the shadows of the mind, poisoning the emotions, and denying the beauty of the divine within.

The brownie didn’t win. The addiction to negative self talk did, for the moment.

 But now you are ousted. I found you out and now I will intend to be more aware of you.  I have entered the first step of however many steps it takes to temper you. I embrace you in love and forgiveness. I send light and compassion to you. I ask for guidance and help in healing this addiction of self abuse.

I may even treat you to a brownie once in a while and enjoy it fully.

Who's knocking on my mind door at 3am?

Who’s knocking on my mind door at 3am?

Okay I get it….FINALLY. The wee hours of the morning and me have been battling all week to see who could hold out the longest. Where is my post-it that reminds me it is usually the inklings of a new idea, messages from spirit or a breakthrough coming.

Today I surrender. AND BOY OH BOY! Did I ever. I surrendered gunk that has been soiling up my metamorphic pipes for 25 years or more. Today I surrendered to be my own client. Some part of me knows a session with me is miraculous. Some part of me knows I am gifted in the healing arts. Some part of me procrastinates being my own client, um, maybe I need to pay myself and then I would be more inclined.

Aha! Love those new perspectives. Perhaps that is exactly what has happened to open the door for this appointment. I have intent to be kinder to myself this year and have been paying myself in self care. Okay, okay, it’s all coming back to me now. Divine timing, got it, 3:33am, 4:44 am, 3:39am, divine timing! LOL!

Today I as I surrendered some old baggage through a combination of healing techniques and intuition, I reveal to myself parts of my programming that have continued to poke holes in my wholeness. Those emotional memories that had locked in some self sabotage and fears in my heart that have kept me from fully being my miraculous self and sharing that being more fully in the world.

Oh, I know, those of you who already love me are shocked. You see through my disguise

and into my soul because you are one with me. Bless you and thank you for that. And today I surrender too. Today I see more clearly through that disguise I created at 17 and more fully into my soul. Today I surrender to be more one with me too. There for I can be more one with you.

A work in progress for sure, I would share more, however my client insisted on a confidentiality agreement before I could move on the to major breakthrough portion.

I honor that. We are reestablishing safety within.

To know more, you will have to have your own session. I gratefully offer my professional assistance and my open-hearted love and acceptance. Really!

Blessings,

Teri Freesmeyer

1-17-2011

Hello Bookstore! I've missed you.

I love those intuitive hunches that creep up on you as you wind down from a day of full out running from one appointment to the next. This one said "bookstore". So armed with the debit card, just in case, you know, and nothing more I walk brazenly in to my dear friends home. I had not been there in several months for just the joy of exploring.

Dear Bookstore, Oh how I have missed you. The abundance, the wafting scent of the enclosed coffee house, the muted music obscurely playing in the background, the twinkling overhead lights brightly shining so I may perooze the rows of delicious words encased in their lovely wraps, dressings, and blankets of all shapes and sizes.

The next hunch bleeps in to remind me I have forgotten the author of the book I am currently reading and already eager to finish and bite into the sequel. Yet as I bring to mind the book it appears in front of me on the shelf in the very row I am lingering! Love the synchronicity of the bookstore ambience.

My lovely friend. Once again you fill me with delight on this simple journey of self indulgence. Dessert for the mind. And like usual, you entice me with that nudge of peer pressure that pushes me over the edge into addiction once again and I find a second helping. Like your second cousin, the shoestore, I go and can never buy just one!